I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
