What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just high enough for therapy.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize