Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
