I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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