i can't believe i had my finger in that
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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