just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
