I just saw a hot homeless man
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
