I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
