One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
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I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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