I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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