I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sext me about skeletons
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
