Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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