I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
