you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
