tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
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I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
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You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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