you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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