I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
