Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
