The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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