I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
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