All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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