Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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