while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Did I show you my penis last night?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
