just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
