I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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