It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
