I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
