This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
