a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
