When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
