Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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