I accidentally had phone sex last night
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
