I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
