I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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