I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
