I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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