it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
