I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
