My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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