I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
