Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
