Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Randomize
