He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
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