A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
