in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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