I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
