the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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