are you still at the devil's house?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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