got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
