i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
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i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
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Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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