Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
