OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Alive.
So much puke
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
