You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
