I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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