I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
