did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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