I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
