dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.