I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run