i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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