I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
